Ask Draco
by DMRox
Summary: Draco has returned with his advice column, but I now have a plot with it! HA HA HA!
1. One

A/N: As few of you may know, I did this in April, I think, but they chucked it out, so I'm writing a new one, with a PLOT! LOL, R/R, please!  
  
Disclaimer: Of course I own them all. I own all Harry Potter characters, MWA HA HA! And I'm going to marry Orlando Bloom. And I speak seventy world languages. And I know the secret to defy gravity. And I'm going to cure cancer. And I'm currently building a time machine in my backyard. Really! Come on over to one of my many mansions in the Mediterranean Sea and see it! Thank you.  
  
Draco frowned. How dare she make him get a job! He was.DRACO! Oh, the nerve. How could he get a job? He couldn't work! Never could he work! Why did he say he would? What was he thinking??? What was wrong with him??? He could not get a job!!! Why did he give in? Why did he need a job anyway? It wasn't like she was getting a job. Oh yeah. She was. Wasn't she? What WAS she though? He didn't know. Draco sighed and wrote on a piece of parchment:  
  
Ask Draco  
  
Hello. My name is Draco Malfoy. I will be answering all your brainless questions because I needed a job, and my girlfriend made me do this. So send in your bloody questions and I'll inform you of a solution using my great knowledge. Thank you.  
  
Draco Malfoy  
  
Draco smirked. It was brilliant! He'd just be an advice columnist! It was perfect! He wouldn't even have to do anything, just use his wonderful knowledge (as above described in his letter)! Plus, there was the money and the easy publicity. What fun this would be. Draco sent the letter to the Daily Prophet with his eagle owl, and walked off to find her.  
  
A/N: I know it's been done, but please review! And if you've read anything that has to remotely do with me, you know who 'she' is. Lol. 


	2. Two

A/N: Hey everybody, thanks for reviewing! Um.I have nothing to say. Sorry. Except Draco has ALL the answers, so REVIEW! Please? Lol.  
  
Disclaimer: See previous chapter. Did I mention I was marrying Orlando Bloom? Well, I am. If you review you can come to my wedding.  
  
  
  
Draco smirked. People were already sending in their brainless problems! This would be even easier than he thought. Not that he was over having to get a job. Why did he give in to her? WHY??? She had an advice column too. But his would be much more interesting. Yes. It would.  
  
Draco opened the first letter and read:  
  
Dear Draco,  
  
Hey, well I have a question. You see, my sweater...its red. Can you help me?  
  
Red and Confused  
  
Draco raised an eyebrow. Why would anyone buy a red sweater? At least, of their own free will? It mad no sense.  
  
He shook his head and wrote:  
  
Dear Red and Confused,  
  
Why, oh why, is your sweater red? Why? The answer is simple, really. Color- changing charms! Trust me, they work. I would know. I'd recommend green. Or black. Or gray, or blue, or-  
  
Someone smacked Draco upside the head. He turned around and saw her. "What?" he said innocently.  
  
"I think they get the point." she said.  
  
"Why are you reading this anyway?" Draco said, raising an eyebrow. Again.  
  
"Because I want to save the innocent readers from your advice," she said sweetly.  
  
"Oh. Yeah. Right. Okay," Draco said. He wanted to finish his letter. He wrote:  
  
Well, the last color isn't important. Just pick a color. And good luck.  
  
Draco  
  
Dear Draco,  
  
Advice column? Cool!! Anyway, I need your....let's say *advice*. Hopefully good advice, but then if I wanted good anvice I would go to Hermione, not you.  
  
Anyway, my friend Jot is mad at me for not telling her what happened at open swim with my other friend Cassie. Cassie was upset because her friend Miranda was sick and went to call home, but never told us if she was going home. So Cassie thought that Miranda might have walked home like she said she would, which is a few miles. Cassie got mad at me when I asked her a little too loudly why she would let Miranda walk home and because I wouldn't give her the $0.50 to call her mom which I needed to get home. Anyway, Jot's mad at me because I won't tell her that. I didn't feel like it because she is always such a brat and is mean to me. She thinks that she can help me when she can't. She's also mad because I'm better friends with my friend Sarah than her. What should I do? Help me please!  
  
Lady Alanna Salmalin of Conte  
  
Draco snorted. Why wouldn't they go to him? He had wonderful advice! Oh well. They did, didn't they? But that wasn't the point.  
  
He sighed and wrote:  
  
Dear Lady Alanna Salmalin of Conte,  
  
You're confusing me. Okay. So, Miranda didn't call home so she walked, and Cassie was upset, so you asked her why she let Miranda walk home, and she got mad at you, and she also got mad at you when you wouldn't give her the $0.50 that you needed to get home, and then you wouldn't tell Jot about that. Is that right? It better be. Anyway, if Jot's a brat and is mean to you, then why is she your friend? And if you're better friends with your friend Sarah than Jot, then good. Tell Jot that she's a bi-  
  
Draco got smacked again. "Er, I don't think you should write that." she said, trying not to laugh.  
  
He shrugged. Okay. He liked her, and if she said not to write it, he wouldn't. Oh, there he went again. So THAT's how he got roped into getting a job! He had forgotten. Oh well. He continued:  
  
Never mind. You should only be better friends with Jot, if Jot is NICE to you. You see? I DO have the answers. I also didn't write that Jot is a bi-  
  
Yes. You guessed it. SMACK.  
  
Er, never mind what Jot is. Heh heh.  
  
Draco  
  
Draco opened the next letter. Oh my.  
  
dear, probaly gay malfoy  
  
Are you gay?  
  
Do you think you are gay?  
  
Do you act gay?  
  
Do you want to be gay?  
  
Do you dream about being gay?  
  
Do you dream about wanting to be gay?  
  
Do you dream about people being gay?  
  
Do you dream about gay people being gay with you?  
  
Do you talk gay?  
  
Do you walk gay?  
  
Do you dress gay?  
  
Do you sleep gay?  
  
Do you think like a gay person?  
  
Do you think you like a gay?  
  
Do you like gay people?  
  
Do you hang around gay people?  
  
Do gay people think you are gay?  
  
Do you shop like a gay person?  
  
Do you shower like a gay person?  
  
Do you go to gay bars?  
  
Do you march in gay parades?  
  
Do you live with any gay people?  
  
Do you have any gay relatives?  
  
Do your sisters think you are gay?  
  
Are you a rasist against gay people?  
  
is your girlfriend really a gay guy?  
  
are you crabbe and goyle gay lovers?  
  
from a person who thinks you are gay  
  
ps: is ron your gay guy girlfriend?  
  
Three words immediately came to Draco's mind. Oh. My. God. He knew this person had to be gay. What a big ol' surprise. Draco wrote:  
  
Person who thinks I am gay.  
  
You. You have serious problems. Anyway. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I used to, sadly. Crabbe and Goyle are gay, you know. Then I started going out with-um, never mind. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I have no sisters, you dolt. I DON'T KNOW, OKAY??? My girlfriend is a GIRL. Note the 'girl' in 'girlfriend.' No. Crabbe and Goyle are gay with each other, duh.  
  
Draco  
  
P.S.- .Uh, NO.  
  
Well, Draco thought, that was, er, interesting. He opened the next one and was quite relieved when he noticed the absence of the word 'gay' in it.  
  
Dear Draco  
  
Whose the girl friend. Is it... Hermione?  
  
Alexia and Tessa  
  
Oh.damn.  
  
Alexia and Tessa,  
  
I really hate my life. And it's your fault. Thank you for giving Pansy license to never shut up for the REST OF HER LIFE. Thank you for that. Thank you.  
  
Draco  
  
A/N: Lol, poor Draco! I see we are going to have to deal with Pansy soon. Oh well, Draco and I will deal. R/R, PLEASE! Lol. And damsalndistress-asif, glad you like D/Hr too, lol! And if all you said in that review was about the author putting it in the wrong section, then those two people shouldn't have blew up at you, lol. 


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